Rides

My kids make me laugh. They both wanted to ride in Emily's wheelchair. And now Lily is pushing her and Lance around in the car. They crack me up.

My angel Lily

Mother's Day has become a bit of a bitter-sweet day for me. I'm sure it is for many of you, too. When Emily was here I always enjoyed it, but it was always a little sad because she couldn't really express herself like most kids-you see little two year olds giving their moms' hugs and cards and kisses, which Em couldn't do. But I was always so grateful to be her mom. And since she's passed away I've had those little sweet moments with Lily of "I love you, Mom," and hugs and kisses and cards, but I wish I could have had them both with Lily and Emily at the same time! So yesterday I was having my moment, crying while watching Music and the Spoken Word (it always makes me cry on days like Easter and Mother's Day) and Lily saw me, and I told her I was okay, I was just sad because I missed Emily. And she came over and climbed up onto my lap and put her arms around my neck and gave me the sweetest hug. Which of course made me cry more! So then she pulled back and looked at me and just gave me another hug. And just kind of held me. Just what I needed. No words, just a hug. Her compassion amazes me. It felt like she was hugging me for Emily.

And Lily has always been like that. When she was 4 months old I remember Emily having a spasm and screaming in pain. Lily started crying and as soon as I went over and picked up Emily and rocked her, Lily stopped crying. She did it again when Robby was there a few weeks later. Shortly after that Emily passed away. But it just amazed us that at such a young age, just a baby, she could be like that. She has her crazy moments, but she can just be so sweet!

"You're so strong!"

I think a lot of us have heard those words. And we think, "I'm not strong, I don't have a choice!" They're definitely not comforting words, although I know people mean well. The other one that I hear ALL THE TIME is that Heavenly Father doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Which since I've had Emily and especially since I lost her, I've felt is just not a true statement. I'm sorry, but that's what I think. And I know people who have gone through a lot more than me. And I could never figure out how to explain it to people without feeling like I was doubting God. But last week I went to Time Out for Women and heard Kris Belcher talk, who has had cancer in her eyes and had her eyes removed, and is of course blind. With 2 little kids. She said she would hear those two comments, "You're so strong," and "God wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle," all the time and just think, "That's not true." And then she said something I loved. She said that we are given things that we can't handle. Why else would we need a Savior? Isn't that why Christ went through what he did for us? And I just LOVED that thought. Because it's true. The only way I've been able to deal with everything with Emily, both while she was here, and especially during the time she was dying and after she passed away, is through the atonement, and praying and asking Heavenly Father to let me give my burdens to my Savior and let him carry it for me, because I just couldn't do it myself. And the miracle is, he has! He has made it so that I can have peace and be happy, which for me is just amazing and I am so grateful for. And it is only through him. I couldn't "handle it" by myself. I've tried. It doesn't work.

Easter

In San Antonio for Fiesta and Easter they sell Cascarones, eggs dyed and filled with confetti, and you crack them on each other's heads. Lily loves it, but Lance has cried and cried each time Robby does it to Lily or she does it to one of us.

Cracking the egg on Lily's head.

We had a fun Easter morning. The kids really liked Lance's birthday present and had fun playing with it.
You can see Lance's face a bit behind Lily's arm. He is not happy. I hid the cascarones as part of our Easter Egg hunt.

Easter outfits.

Our attempt at a family picture. Not successful.

Lance turns One!

Lance with is birthday cupcake. He liked it, but not quite like his sister Lily did! Both on her first birthday and on his!We forgot to put his hat on. He's laughing at Lily.
My sad attempt at a soccer ball cake. The one thing Lance loves is balls, so that was the theme for his party. Look at all the little ladies with him!
His $1 ball that he loved.
I also made cupcakes, they turned out much better than the cake did. My favorite were the baseball ones.

Consider the Lilies

Lately it seems like I have so many friends going through tough times with their children. Surgeries going wrong, or things coming up that they weren't expecting to deal with, or even death. And it just breaks my heart. One of my favorite songs has always been, since I first heard it before Emily was born, Consider the Lilies, by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. After Emily was born I heard them sing it at a Relief Society conference and cried and cried. I think the song is one of the reasons I love the name Lily. If you'd like to listen to it, it's the first link on the right. (I couldn't figure out how to put it in my post-help?)

My favorite line is "Consider the sweet, tender children, who must suffer on this Earth. The pains of all them he carried, from the day of his birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs in His fold, And he will heal those who trust him, And make their hearts as gold. "

My thoughts this Easter turn toward Emily, as they have every Easter since she's been gone. And of course they turn toward my Savior. I'm so grateful for his Atoning sacrifice and the Ressurection, that I can be with Emily and my family again. This song was the song that was playing when Emily passed away, and so it's taken me awhile to be able to listen to it again. But I love the message and the peace and hope it brings.

Moments

I feel like in my 9 years of being married, I have lived two completely different lives. And I have. For 4 1/2 years we had Emily, and I was the Mom of a Child with Special Needs. And this really defined who I was. And who I am still, I think. Everything that I did or thought revolved around Emily and what she needed. My life was full of therapy, doctors appointments, school, etc. Even during play time it was she and I doing therapy. But we sang lots of songs and read lots of books and went lots of places, which I am so grateful for. Lily was only 5 months old when Emily passed away, so I hadn't even really had a chance to get used to life with 2! Lily wasn't rolling around much yet or anything, and so life was mostly still taking care of Emily, with playing and feeding Lily when we could! Lily was such an easy going baby. It still hurts when I think that Em and Lily only had 5 months together. But, Lily knows her little sister now. She talks about Emily going to school in her wheelchair, and how she loved to roll, and how she loved to eat bananas and how she had owies on her stomach (heart surgery).

And now I have my life with Lily and Lance. While it's busy, it's your typical life with two toddler/babies. My schedule is pretty much my own-if I don't make it to the grocery store, I can go later or Robby can go. If I don't want to go to story time, or to the zoo, I don't have to go. It's just amazing to me how "normal" my life is now. And I'm very happy. I love being able to just play with my kids, and my worries are the typical ones now-hold my hand when you cross the street, don't talk to strangers, etc. But it's hard, because inside I'm still that mom of a child with special needs, who a lot of people don't know and never met because they never met Emily. And it's hard because the reason why my life is "normal" is because Emily isn't here. And while I know she's happy and busy, it doesn't make me miss her any less.

Emily has definitely made me appreciate all that Lily and Lance can do. Sometimes it's like a mantra, "I'm grateful Lily's so busy. I'm grateful she can make messes. I'm grateful she talks so much! I'm grateful that Lance can breastfeed and doesn't want to stop and wakes up in the middle of the night to eat." (that might be pushing it.) But really I am grateful. I'm grateful for all the little moments in my life, with all my kids.

Robby's mom and Aunt Diana came last weekend. We had fun going up to Fredricksburg to pick strawberries. I will say, the Fredricksburg peaches are much better than the strawberries.

We went to Rudy's BBQ on the way home, and Lance was having fun playing with Grammy and doing his cheesy smile for the camera.
This is the side of the Alamo. Diana's big reason for coming was that she always wanted to see the Alamo, and we tried to go the first day and it was closed! It closes at 5:30. So we went back before she left on Monday. Robby was able to walk from work to see us.
We tried to get a good picture on Emily's bench before Peggy flew out. This was the best one we got. Not too much of a success.