This week was the longest I've ever been without Robby, alone at home with the kids. We've gone longer before apart but it's when I've been with my mom or something. And I realize that a week really isn't a long time, many women do it all the time, like my mom who did it every other week while we were little. but I figured I'd document it for future reference!
Robby left Sunday morning and I took the kids to church; it was Grant's first day of nursery! Bedtimes were a mess the first few days.
I really hate doing bed time by myself. And then coming downstairs to a dirty kitchen that I still have to clean. I'm really glad Robby helps with the dishes! And bedtime!
On Monday we went to Costco; these boys love each other and were so good the whole week. Lance was so good and patient.
I felt like I should get major points for doing family night on Monday without Robby. We made a warm fuzzy jar and I told them if they filled it up by the end of the week that we would go on a train ride on Saturday. Grant had his own jar because he's really great at giving hugs and the kids wanted to put a warm fuzzy in every time he gave a hug. The warm fuzzy jar really did help them try to be good; bedtime went better once we started it. Lily was my one who really had a rough time with the week in general, and who I was doing it for; she really knows how to push my buttons!
Tuesday was probably the worst day; it was raining, lily and lance both had soccer and the week was stretching ahead very long! And then at lance's game most of his team didn't show up, and so the other team decided to play all 7 of their players against our team's three. I was annoyed and said something to the other coach and he basically said tough luck. I think we will figure something else out for next year, or Robby or I will coach. Robby is coaching Lily's team this year and having fun.
Wednesday morning Lily and I hit rock bottom. we were on our way to school and she got mad about not sitting in the stroller and punched me. She doesn't hit other people but does occasionally hit me and I have no patience for it. I wanted to yell or tell her she wasn't going to go to the pizza place in the afternoon but I knew that would ruin her whole day and I have determined to not let her go to school if we are mad at each other. I made that decision when she started kindergarten. So instead I let myself cry, and let her see it and how bad it made me feel that she was so mean. She apologized and felt really sad; she gave me about 5 hugs going into school and kept saying I love you. When she hugs me I try not to be the first to let go. After school she gave me a huge hug and later told me she cried a little bit at circle time. But she was much, much better behaved from then on, and has managed to control her temper and not hit. Some people may have handled it differently but I was glad I didn't lose it in anger and that she seemed to have remorse.
I let lance stay and play at preschool on Wednesday until 1:00 and Grant took a nap so I was able to have some nice "me" time. I was really upset when I got home from taking her to school so I was glad I had a bit of time to myself!
On Thursday we surprised lily at school for lunch. She is my kid who just needs lots and lots of attention so I think it was good for her. And of course the boys love it .
On Thursday afternoon my friend took the older kids so Grant and I had fun making cookies together.
And then I went to back to school night while my friend watched the kids. I really need to help lily with her handwriting! I lover her pictures though!
On Thursday night I found some old pictures of Emily; it was really good for me to reflect on where I've been and how blessed I am; when this picture was taken we had been trying to get pregnant for a year after a miscarriage and I really didn't know if we'd ever be able to have more kids. I look at my three sweet kids now and it amazes me. I would have never thought! I also reflected on the time Emily and I had; I was thinking about her hip surgery and being in that terrible spica cast. We had her have that surgery because we thought it would eventually help her walk (in a walker with lots of support) and do things like that, and then she passed away 6 months later. I've wondered why we felt good about doing that surgery that was so invasive for Emily if she was going to die so soon afterward. And this week I had the thought that maybe that surgery wasn't for Emily so much as it was for Robby and I and also our family and those around Emily. For me to learn what I'm capable of-I was 7-8 months pregnant with Lily at the time and it was tough! And for people to have the chance to give service to us and to Emily. My mom came from Turkey to be there to help me; I don't think she would have been able to have had that time with Emily and then come again when I had Lily if it wasn't for something as major as that surgery. So I now feel better about having had Emily had that surgery. Though I still don't understand all the reasons!
On Friday night we went to panera bread for dinner and then mcdonalds ice cream while we got gas. I hate not being able to pump my own gas sometimes, but it was really nice to just sit there and eat my ice cream cone while the Costco guy filled up the van and told the kids they had a very nice mommy for getting them ice cream!
And then Saturday lily had her soccer game and then we saw daddy!
When I saw Robby my first thought was that we were now back together and then I felt like I was hit by a truck, thinking of my Emily and how we aren't all together. It wasn't even a thought so much as it was this wave of emotion. It really struck me off guard. I had been so prepared to just be happy to see Robby, I really didn't expect it to be so bitter-sweet. I became so emotional; I later lost it. I just miss my Emily.
And today lily and I had a tea party-lily had earned her Elsa dress that I had gotten months ago by being good for at least the second part of the week! We made it through and I once again thought of all the single moms I know. I sure hope that I can support them and not judge. It wasn't easy, and I at least could count on Robby to talk to us and the kids at night and tell me I was doing a good job, etc. I really hope I can support those moms who don't have that in their life, for whatever reason.