Hammond Family

Moving forward, one day at a time.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

My Heroes

Emily and Grandma Chlarson at Parker's wedding
 The day Emily died
After Emily's funeral in Washington

These two ladies, Emily and my Grandma Chlarson, are my heroes. And I love my mamma too! But the last few days my mind has been on my Grandma and my Emily.  Grandma has always been my hero; she has been through so much in her life, including losing her husband, two sons, and two granddaughters and I always have looked up to her positive attitude and her spiritual outlook on life.  I have so many fun memories of my grandma; she is one funny lady. But the times that have been sticking out in my mind this week are the memories centered around my little Emily. Emily ended up at Primary Children's when she was 10 days old on a ventilator (life support) and the doctors did not know if she would ever be able to come off because she seemed to be having central apnea and was also needing an extremely high amount of oxygen to keep her levels sustained about 90. I remember my Grandma coming to the hospital and she had been a little afraid to see my Emily. I don't think I went in with her, I think my mom did, because I remember her coming out from meeting Emily for the first time and saying, "Camille, she is going to be just fine. I really feel it. I felt so at peace and she has such a strong spirit and I really think she's going to be okay."  And I can't tell you how I clung to those words over the next few weeks. Because I had felt the same thing, but everyone kept telling me to think differently. Her faith and strength helped sustain me. And she was right.  Emily came off the ventillator when she was 1 month old.   I will just always remember that.
   The next time I have been thinking about was when Emily was dying. She was in the ICU on life support again, but we were all feeling very differently then we did when she was a baby; it just felt like it was her time to go. I remember feeling like she said, "Mom, I'll stick around if you really me, but I'm ready to go." After spending the night with Emily in the hospital on a Monday night and feeling angels watch over me, Tuesday morning I was full of doubts and fear and grief at the idea of saying goodbye to my baby, my hero, Emily. How could I have peace at the idea of living without her?  Robby and I both had felt, after some special experiences and talking at length to doctors, that it was time to let Emily rest, but I didn't think I could do it. I remember coming home from the hospital Tuesday morning to see Lily while Robby went up to spend some alone time with Emily and calling Grandma crying. And I remember her telling me that the peace would come, and that I would be able to feel it and told me about when she had to say goodbye to her mom. I clung to her faith all that day and that evening as I prayed for that peace to come.  Robby and I went to the San Antonio Temple which was just up the street from the hospital and as I was there I felt the power of Jesus Christ's Atonement and felt absolutely at peace. It was the most amazing feeling; when we said goodbye to our Emily after getting back from the temple we knew with certainty where our Emily was going and that what we were doing for our Emily was the right thing. And that feeling sustained me through the days ahead.
     And then my Grandma came to the funeral up in Washington. I remember being it the Relief Society room, getting ready to close the casket and say goodbye to Emily for the last time here on this Earth. I again didn't think I could do it. And I'm crying as I write this thinking about it.  And I remember looking at my grandma and thinking, "She did this, twice, and has been able to be happy.  I can do this." And then I sat between her and Robby during the funeral and held her hand; I needed her strength to get me through that day.  I knew she knew just how I was feeling.  And over the weeks and months and years I was able to call Grandma when I was missing my Emily and talk to her about it and she would share her faith and experiences with me. I just love her so much and I am so grateful that she is now with my Emily.  I hope she has given her a big hug and kiss from her mamma and that they both know how proud I am of them.  What a lucky person I am to have Grandma Chlarson for my Grandma and Emily as a daughter.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Finally Family pictures

We had family pictures done at the end of September. I'm still trying to get them up on my walls. I was really happy with them, though. Lance makes me laugh. He's so much fun. He talks so well and had the best imagination. Sometimes he won't come downstairs because he's a baby dinosaur. This morning he and Robby were firefighters but Robby had lost his hat so he could borrow Lance's. His faces make me laugh. He also has the best pouting face; Robby and i have a hard time taking him seriously when he gets mad at us. 

 Grant has a personality so much like Lily it's kind of scary. He's a good baby other than he's not sleeping that great at night these days. He rolls over and will not sit still to have his diaper changed. Every once in awhile he'll cuddle, but not often.  He just got his first tooth yesterday and his second one is right behind it. He's 7 months old.

 Lily loves Kindergarten. She is always telling us made up stories that happen, interspersed with real stories so we never know when she's telling the truth. Kind of drives me nuts. We finished reading Matilda tonight-I love that she's old enough to like chapter books. I've always looked forward to reading books like that to my kids.
Robby's very busy at work but it's really nice having him 3 minutes from home. He went to the BYU-Boise game last week and enjoyed the win; last time he was there was the BYU-Utah game. in 2011. Enough said. And I'm heading out to Texas on Friday to make it even as far as trips go!

I'm hanging in there, contsantly thinking about where I'm failing as a mom and how I need to enjoy this time with my kids because it goes too fast and that I don't do enough with them and that my house is constantly a mess and I'd really like to read a book sometime and I'm not reading my scriptures like I should and I need to get ready for Christmas and the list goes on. But mostly I'm just really happy to be a mom of 4 great kids. I've really been missing my Emily the last few weeks; sometimes it's hard living where people don't know her. I've made good friends here but no one who I've really shared Emily with yet.  Really shared her I guess. Which I think will just come with time because there are great people here.

Where to start...

I am so behind blogging I have no idea where to start. I don't know if I go back and try to catch up or just start from here. And I have so many random thoughts I think about writing down I think I may start a blog called Diarrhea of the brain because I swear I just think dumb stuff all the time but I kind of want to write it down and I don't ever want to share on facebook for fear of people thinking I'm crazy or offending someone. Like, I vaccinate my children because I feel like I'm being a responsible, educated parent for doing so, but then I know that other parents who don't vaccinate do so for the exact same reason. So, who's right?  I do splint Grant's vaccines up and some I will wait on but I just think it's so interesting that we can all be so opinionated and swear that we are right and that we have the research to back it up. But our opinions can be totally opposite. See, Diarrhea of the brain. Total rambling. I don't think a family blog is the place for it. So, I will post on here if I ever get around to starting that other blog.                                                                  

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Family update

So i know that it's been awhile so here's a little update and hopefully I'd get better again.  We have moved into our house in Oregon and love it. It's currently 95 outside and our AC is running full blast but it's nice to know it won't last more than a few days!  A few weeks ago we drove out to Cannon Beach to see the sand castle competition. Over Father's Day weekend.  We somehow missed the competition but the kids had fun building their own sand castle. 
 We went home to Washington for my mom's 60th birthday and went to Silver Lake. Great fun had by all. It sure is nice being able to drive.  Grant did pretty well in the car, and I'd so much rather drive than fly.
 We blessed Grant on June 2, my dad's 60th birthday. He was a happy boy before the blessing and was all smiles during.  He is a pretty good baby. His personality reminds me a lot of Lily. Very happy and interested in everything going on, and rather vocal.  He gets easily distracted by noise when he's eating like Lily did. Lance was all business when it came to eating. He also looks more like Lily than Lance to me. He gave his first real big laugh the other night when Robby was singing The Spaceship Song, a made up song for Lance.

Right after we moved into the house my dad came for a day to visit with my mom. It was great to see him and have him meet Grant. Janica's family came up for the night. Lily and Akaila are looking more alike as they get older, which is kind of funny. Caleb and Lance continue to be best friends and major trouble any time they are together. 
 We love living on a culdesac. Our neighbor across the street watches her 4 and 5 year old grandkids most days of the week so when they are out we try to go out and play. They were funny all playing with their umbrellas in the rain.
 Mom came sometime, I think this was mother's day. My kids still act like they haven't seen her in a year when they see her, it's great.

Enjoying our bathtub. 
 I took these newborn pics of Grant when he was 10 days old. I just couldn't justify spending $100+ for it.  It was fun and Lily helped. Obviously not as good as a professional but it was fun.

 Cannon Beach-Haystack Rock

Lily and Lance just finished swim lessons. Lily would freak out and scream any time her teacher made her do anything-he was great and probably ready to be done with her! So she's not swimming yet. And Lance did great for 3 of the 5 days. The first day and most of the 2nd he screamed, until he realized the teacher had rockets. Then he was a happy boy.  Robby is liking his job, and is especially liking being 3 minutes from work. Which I like too, I have taken advantage of it and ran to Costco on his lunch break. I'm loving running where it smells good and being close to family. I miss my Texas family, though!  And the food in Texas. Though it's probably good for my post-baby diet that there's no Chuy's or Texas BBQ near by. Or Chick-fil-la. We do get Cafe Rio this week when we go home to see Robby's family, so I'm super excited for that. My VT told me she doesn't really like to eat. How can you not like to eat?  I had Copper River Sockeye Salmon today for lunch and was so, so happy!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Here he is!

These were yesterday. He's 11 days old and back up to his birth weight, and has grown 3/4 inch.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Birth Story Part 2

The first thing they did when we got back was get me hooked up to an IV and get the penicillin going. I had tested positive for Strep B and they really wanted to make sure I got at least 2 doses 4 hours apart. The nurse was really good and diluted the medicine so it didn't burn at all going in like I had heard it could. They then started me on the pitocin to get my contractions going a little bit stronger.  At about 6:15 they turned up the pitocin to a 4 and his heart rate dropped to about 84, so they had me get in bed and lay on my left side and turned off the pitocin, and he climbed back up fast. So I laid there for 1/2 hour until they turned back on the pit, and then a little bit longer to make sure he was okay.  They turned the pit back up to a 4 and then at 8:00 the midwife, who was an older lady from Denmark, Jabka, told me I was at a 4 1/2 (from a 3 when I came in) and that he was still a little to high for her to feel comfortable breaking my water; she said when they're not more in the birth canal the risk is higher of the chord wrapping around the neck. So she said she'd wait until hour or two to break it, and to go ahead and walk around and see if that helped move things along. Which I was happy to do.
    So I got out of bed, Robby left the room for a minute, and I felt the baby drop and my water broke. Very weird sensation; him dropping.    I called the nurse and she came in and checked and said it looked like there was meconium in the water so the NICU team would be in there in case they were needed at delivery.  A NICU nurse came in later just to explain things which was nice. I kept walking around and even though the contractions were all in my back the spacing was better than it usually is with my labors; they would last about 25-30 seconds and I'd have 2-3 minutes in between. Normally they come right on top of each other when I'm induced. The nurse kept coming in asking if I was ready for my epidural and I kept saying I felt like I was doing really good! She was nervous things would get going and I wouldn't be able to get one like I had said I wanted.  Finally at 9:150 I said I was ready so the anthesiologist came in and we got it in about 9:30.  Jabka came in at about 9:45 and said I was at a 7 and broke my water the rest of the way; I guess it was a foresack of water that had broken. So we thought things would move pretty quickly; I had had the second dose of antibiotics for the Strep B so I was ready to go.
    After that, things slowed way down. I think maybe because I was in more "natural" labor than I'd ever been in before the epidural and being in bed really slowed it down. They also weren't super aggressive with the pitocin. Which was nice because it felt more natural. I think the highest they turned it up was a 6.  At about 11:30 I was feeling pressure during contractions but not in-between; the nurse checked me and I was at a 9.  But I just wasn't moving past that. Robby and I watched a few episodes of The Office on TV and then Jabka checked me at 12:30 AM and said I was still at a 9.  Finally around 1:00-1:15 AM I decided I was done being pregnant, said a prayer, and decided to start pushing during the contractions. So I did and at about that time Jabka came in to check me again and said, "Why don't we have you push and see what happens." My thought, exactly! So that's what we did, and it didn't take very long for me to get to a 10 and be ready.  It was all kind of hazy after that; from going to a 9 to a 10 and pushing. Robby had a hard time at about that point and had to sit down on the couch, so I did the whole thing solo.  I don't think we'll ever have another baby but if I do my mom will need to be there to hold my hand!
   When I was pushing I could feel everything on the inside-the epidural worked to keep my contractions at bay but certainly not for pushing him out!  I was so ready for him to be done, and I have a history of being able to push my babies out pretty good.  He came out after about 5-10 minutes of active pushing.  The NICU team was there but I heard Jabka say, "He looks good," and then she was handing him to me before anything else.  I saw him cry for the first time as he came toward me. He gave two little cries and then he was on my chest and I was the one crying and crying and laughing. The nurse said, "He stays there for an hour"  I just couldn't believe he was finally here. And I loved the fact that he got to be on me before they did anything else. They cleaned him off on me, put a hat and band on him, I delivered the placenta, and she cut the chord. Robby by then was standing by me, but opted to not cut the chord. She said it was a good thing he came when he did, the placenta was green, I guess because of the meconium! She showed it to me (I asked to see it) and it really was green.
      Grant looked just perfect. He had a little frown in his chin just like Lance but was much broader in the shoulders than Lance.  He has dark hair but not as much as the other three kids had. And no eyebrows.  I was able to feed him as soon as I wanted and he nursed like a champ.  After he was on me an hour Robby got to hold him and then they weighed he and gave him a bath. He smelled a little ripe, which made me laugh. Jabka said she had to turn him a bit to get him out, and I tore some. But not too much, she said about 8-10 stitches. I think she did a great job stitching me up; they have really not been too sore at all.
   All in all I think it was my best birth and labor experience. I really loved having a midwife and the attention she gave us. Our nurse was great too, I was her only patient. Grant Robert Hammond finally came at 1:37 AM on March 23, 2013. He weighed 7 lb 14 oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. Head was 13 cm. And he's perfect!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Birth Story Part 1

So I want to document as much as I can, and I know i can't do it all in one sitting, so here we go.  My due date was Thursday, March 21, and even though I had been having lots of contractions over the past several weeks, nothing permanent was happening. They were much more real contractions than I've ever had before, I could tell because I would feel them in my back, and any time I've been in real labor that's where my contractions go.  Last Monday I almost thought I was in labor for real but then they stopped. Thursday we had nothing going on, so I took the kids and went to spin class at the gym, just to get us out of the house and give me something to do! And it felt really good to have a good workout. I figured it wouldn't get the baby out, the day before I'd jogged for 1/2 hour and it just made me hurt. Spinning never made me hurt afterward it just felt good. Mom got here Thursday night and we were set to go in Friday at noon to be induced.

Robby took Lily to preschool on Friday morning and then, about 15 minutes before we were going to leave we got a phone call from the hospital telling us they were full and they'd call us in a couple of hours when/if they got room. Talk about disappointment! I'd been doing really well handling my nerves until then.  And Robby was frustrated too. I had to leave the house and go on a walk for a few minutes to not lose it.  Mom and I went and picked up Lily from preschool, and she was very confused as to why I wasn't at the hospital having her baby brother! I told her hopefully he'd come today, though they probably wouldn't be able to see him until Saturday now.

After we got home Robby and I decided to go to Cheesecake Factory in Beaverton and then go and buy the carseat at the Target or Toys R Us nearby, and then go from there. So we did, and that was a nice distraction, and when we were on our way home around 2:30 they still hadn't called us. So we decided to swing by the hospital and basically see if they had room. I called my midwife's office because I was a little bit afraid that I was leaking fluid, and if they weren't going to induce me Friday and make me wait until Monday I wanted to make sure that I wasn't. So the midwife told me to go over to triage in labor and delivery and said most likely they'd let me stay no matter what.

At the hospital the lady at check-in was very nice and tried to make sure they checked me in by the doctors orders saying I was there to be induced, to reduce the likelihood of them sending me home.  They then hooked me up to a heart rate and contraction monitor, and I was having pretty decent regularly spaced contractions. I wasn't leaking fluid but they talked to the midwife and they said there was room and that I could stay. We had told them if at all possible we'd like to.  So that was great.  We later found out his heartrate had dropped while in triage; I don't know if that had anything to do with them letting us stay or not. So we waited for about another hour until they had a room for us, and then at 5:00 they took us back to labor and delivery.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Grant is here!

Grant was born on Saturday march 23 at 1:37. His full name is Grant Robert Hammond. He was 7 lb 14 oz and 20 1/2 inches, my biggest baby by 1/2 lb. I'll try to post the whole story soon, but it went well.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Due Date!

Its here! I made it to my due date for the first time ever. I've always been induced before it.  Now I don't feel as bad about it since it appears my body doesn't want to go into labor on its own. At least when I think it should. I'm being induced tomorrow at noon. I'm dialated to a 3 and 75% effaced so at least I've made some progress. I have been going a bit crazy having no plans for today. Last night I had a panic attack about having this baby.  I had to get out of the house; I went on a walk and took lots of deep breaths and said lots of prayers. It's hard to describe the anxiety, I think unless you have had something traumatic happen when you have given birth before. Or have lost a child.  Serious, serious anxiety.  Today we didn't have any plans and the house is mostly clean. I wasn't planning on going to Spin class but when I told the kids we'd go on a walk they said they wanted to go to the gym and I figured what the heck? I was having more anxiety and I love spin because I don't think when I'm doing it. I think the people there thought I was crazy but it was a really nice break. It's the one thing I still do that gets my heart rate up and it felt really good! It was only for about 40 minutes.  So now I'm ready to finish cleaning and relax and pray this baby makes it here safely tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

House and baby update

Such a great, exciting title I know.  So here's the quick update on the house-it closes tomorrow! We've signed everything and so has the owner; it just has to fund tomorrow. We're very excited, but we won't move in until April 20. They are renting back from us until April 15 and our lease in our house isn't up until April 30 so it works out really well. The house is 2,380 square feet, in a great neighborhood on the end of a cul-de-sac. It has a living room, dining room, kitchen, family room and den on the main floor and then 4 bedrooms upstairs. And then in a separate building in the back yard there is a media room-basically a movie theater. They are leaving the screen, projector, heat and A/C, couches, and then it has 2 levels of movie theatre chairs above the couches. So it should be a fun place to have people come over and hang out, and if the cousins want to spend the night out there or something. The house doesn't have a bonus room, and we really wanted one that did, so this was a nice compromise.  We have already discussed limiting games, etc. 
 The backyard; there is a bunch of dirt where I'm taking the pictures from; it goes probably 10 more feet toward the fence.
 Looking in from the kitchen to the family room and then into the study.
 The Study. I'm excited to have all this storage space in here.
I'll have to post more pictures later. As far as the baby; I'm feeling ready though I've never gone into labor so it probably won't happen this time. My due date is next Thursday, March 21 and if I'm ready I'll be induced Friday. I've never been patient enough to make it to my due date so that will be something! I've definitely had way more contractions with this one than any other but I've heard that's pretty common for number 4. He's still weigh up high; my babies don't drop until they come out. I'm 70% effaced and at a one, so we'll see what happens! I get so nervous before I give birth; I just think of all the things that could go wrong. I'm grateful I have un-eventful pregnanies, even if I am super uncomfortable by this point. I'm still walking, every once in awhile I try to jog but it lasts about 30 seconds and then I stop. I have still been going to spin once or twice a week. Tomorrow will probably be my last time. It hurts way less than walking or anything else; I've been pretty surprised.  We don't have a name yet, William or Grant probably. We're leaning toward Grant. Not too much else is going on.  Just anxious to have this baby here healthy and safe!


So I looked on my blog tonight and my slide show of Hawaii that I just haven't removed was replaced by adds, including porn! I'm so sorry if anyone saw anything they did not want to, and does anyone know how I report it to Blogger?  I was so annoyed!

Sunday, February 17, 2013


 So since Christmas I know i've been a bit of a slacker, we'll see if it improves. For Martin Luther King Day we went out to Cannon Beach and had a grand time. It was nasty weather in Hillsboro but 50 degrees and beautiful out at the coast.

 Haystack Rock is what we saw on our honeymoon.
 Sarah had an 8 hour layover in Portland on her way to an internship in Hawaii so I picked her and her roommates up and they came home and took naps.
 Before Emily's Angel Day, which was January 20th, we had a family night on Emily and went through her special box. So the kids both tried on her bipap mask.
 The tidepools at Haystack Rock are so much fun!
 We went to a BYU-Portland basketball game which was a lot of fun.
 Lily touching the temple. She is so thrilled about it, it was really cute.
 Mom came last weekend and we had a good time together. She brought a fun project for Lily, making a box.
The house we're buying! We close March 15. It's on a culdasac in a neighborhood just two minutes away (but in a different church congregation). We're excited for it. 
 Me at 35 weeks pregnant. Trying to document.

So I feel like I am going crazy and can never remember anything. Thank goodness for my phone where I can keep track of things. I keep thinking maybe this baby will come early and I won't have to be induced; he's due March 21 and I'm set to be induced the 22nd. But I was induced with the other 3. I have had tons of contractions, including painful ones, but nothing to make me think I'm in labor. I'm at the point of eating junk because I feel like in another 5 weeks I'll be on a lose weight diet and won't. Chocolate is my choice right now, though I did have a great milkshake from Burgerville last night.  This baby is much more painful; just uncomfortable breathing wise and lots of sharp pains down lower. But I'm still sleeping at night which I guess is something.  And the biggest thing is that I have healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies. So even though I'm uncomfortable I know I have nothing to complain about, and I am grateful that things have been going well. That being said...

      I get super paranoid that something is going to happen to this baby; I feel like I know so many people who have lost babies at full term. About 7 I can think of off the top of my head. I think that along with any baggage I might carry because of losing Emily makes me super paranoid. And then of course I'll worry about SIDS, and then developmental delays, and then falling down the stairs, and the list just always continues. Which is one of the big reasons I think we're probably done after this one.

        On Thursday when I was at the gym doing a spin class (it doesn't hurt like even walking does) there was  girl in the daycare with what looked like Down Syndrome and aparently Lily wasn't very nice and wouldn't play with her. Which made me very, very sad. So we had a talk about it, and how this little girl is similar to her sister, Emily, and she said she's play with her next time. So we walked out to the car and I just didn't feel good about the situation, so we talked some more and ended up going back inside so that Lily could play with her for a few (5) minutes.  Lily said she felt happy after that and I'm hoping it will help her for next time. I always noticed with Emily, it's not that kids were usually mean to her it's just that some kids naturally wanted to help and play with her and other kids figured if they couldn't get anything out of the relationship (it's not like Emily would talk back) then what was the point? And I think Lily falls into that catagory. So hopefully we will be able to work on this. We did see the same little girl the next day at the park and Lily was excited and said, "Mom, it's my friend!" And asked her to play with her. So at least that's something!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Emily's Experience on Earth

Emily’s Experience on Earth

Before I was born and I still lived in Heaven,
Heavenly Father explained how life would be.
He said that it would be full of challenges and trials,
But that I would have a family who loves me.

I would have friends and loved ones who would do all that they could,
To make sure I was joyful and happy.
And when I asked him what my purpose on earth would be,
He smiled, with a tear in his eye, and simply said “You’ll see.”

My life on earth had a difficult start,
I could no longer see nor hear.
But it didn’t take long to understand,
That my parents loved me so dear.

They stayed at the hospital for the first seven weeks,
And had faith that I could breathe on my own.
And eventually the wonderful day came,
They were able to take me home.

I made so many friends along the way,
I was able to learn so many things.
And although I had my share of pain and struggles,
I felt the joy and the love that the Gospel brings.

I have a Mother, who sacrificed everything she could,
Who did her best to keep me healthy and strong.
I have a Father, who provided me safety and peace,
Who’s whistling and roaring helped me as my life moved along.

I have a Sister, who loves and cares for me,
Even though she liked to pull my hair.
Who when the time came for me to die in their arms,
Gave my parents peace with her happy stare.

I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins,
Who always treated me as one of their own.
I have classmates, friends, and fellow 18th Chromosome family,
Who reminded me that I’m never alone.

Through all of my challenges and obstacles overcome,
I began to realize my mission.
There would be so many people whose lives I could touch,
Even without hearing and vision.

And now I can tell them at the end of my earthly life,
That God has a plan for everyone.
That because of the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ,
We can return to him in glory and perfection.

Now I can run, and see, and hear,
I can talk, and help, and serve.
I can help others know that the Gospel of Christ,
Will lead them to the happiness they deserve.

As a final request to all who know me,
As we part, at least for a while:
That when they think of Emily Hammond,
They share with me a laugh and a smile.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Losing My Mind!

I know that's pretty typical during pregnancy but seriously, I can't get two coherent thoughts together sometimes. Today Lance got his hair cut and the total was $17.95. I thought, "Oh great, I can tip 20% and the total will be $20, not realizing until my way home I'd given her closer to a 10% tip. I just do silly things all the time. And I know it's proven you lose brain cells while you're pregnant. I'm just not loving it.
          Yesterday at church I totally lost it, due to Emily's Angel Day being next week and some things that happened. But I was like uncontrollable crying, in a ward where I really don't know anyone well enough to talk to them about why I'm so emotional. It was quite embarrassing. I had to take myself out for a walk in the freezing cold to calm down.  And while I do have reasons to be emotional, I don't think I normally would have been quite so emotional. I just wish I had my breakdowns in my bedroom, not in the middle of Sacrament meeting or the middle of the grocery store, which is where I had it when I was pregnant with Lance, before Christmas the first year after Emily had passed away.
         We sold our house and are starting the hunt for one here, though there is not much available. Especially with what we are looking for.  Hopefully we'll find something!
     I am sick of people looking surprised when I tell them I'm not due until March. I'm short. I have no place to go but out. I don't always feel huge until I look in the mirror. And then I get annoyed because I was really enjoying not knowing what I weighed this pregnancy, and then at my new doctors office they give me a piece of paper at the end of each visit with the weight plastered at the top! Its a bit hard not to notice; I tried to fold it down last time so I wouldn't see it but did.  I think it's because I still exercise for about an hour a day, it messes with my mind that I manage to still put on that much weight!  I'm just going crazy.  Because I do truly know how lucky I am to have healthy, normal pregnancies. I am very grateful for that and know I have nothing to complain about.   And Janica is coming up this weekend with Akaila for a girls night, and then she's going to watch the kids while Robby and I go to the temple, so I'm super, super grateful for that. Horray for being by family!