Emily's 8th birthday is today. It's crazy to remember. Two nights ago I started reading my Emily journal-I have one journal that took me through the 4 1/2 years of her life. I read through about the first year and cried and cried. And it was for a different reason than I thought it would be. I obviously miss Emily like crazy, but reading about those first days after she was born and that first year just brought back how hard it was. It was so, so hard. I can't describe it. We were certainly blessed beyond our own strength because I read through it and think, "How did we do it?" We of course didn't have a choice, But I was so positive and full of faith. I look back and think of the things I know now, and if I would have known them then I think I would have given up. Like her seizures. They started at 4 months and never stopped, until a month before she died. I'm glad I didn't know that. And her vision. We kept thinking it would improve and we'd figure out what she was seeing and we never did. And then there's just how tired we were. And stressed. It's no wonder I was so skinny. I remember after Emily was born hearing other people complain about their healthy babies and thinking, "you have no idea. None." And now that I've had two healthy babies I can understand more where they are coming from. It's hard work. And exhausting. I could barely function with Lance. And they drive me crazy at least once a day. But I think when you're children are healthy you know there's a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. And you know other moms have gotten through it so you can to. Or you can at least get sympathy and advice. But I was the ONLY person I knew going though what I went through. I forget how lonely it was. It's good to remember those feelings but hard at the same time. I don't mean this to be gloomy. I am so, so grateful for my Emily and all that she taught us. I'm amazed at the different mom I am because of her. And I am grateful for my Savior. In my journal I wrote (multiple times) about being just so consumed with worry for Emily that I couldn't enjoy her. And then I'd pray and ask Christ to help carry that burden and he would. And because of that I was able to enjoy all those sweet moments I had with Emily. What a miracle! I could go on and on and on but I think I'm done for now. I just know I'm a lucky mom.
Emily's first bath.
Her first outfit, thanks to Janica.
This was after she'd come off the ventilator and we knew she was going to live. (the first two pictures are before she went on)
I sure am a lucky woman to have him in my life.
This was about 2 months before she passed away.
One of my favorite newborn pictures.
5 comments:
What a beautiful girl! And looks like you have some great memories.
She's so sweet. I cannot even imagine how hard all of that was for you, especially as your first born. You amaze me Camille. I nominated you for a little blog award. I don't know if you're into that kind of thing, but, it's linked back to my blog. I'm glad you had a good day (I looked at your pictures on Facebook. Wow, now I sound like a stalker!)
I know that your testimony on the Lord carrying your burdens helped me in the darkest time of my life. You are a wonderful example to so many people.
I love that last picture of Emily too!
I have to admit, it makes me smile when I see that picture of her in her little BYU onesie. Maybe cuz I felt so helpless at knowing how I could help, it makes me feel like I at least gave her something cute. :) You know you are one of my heros, and I am also grateful for all that Emily taught me. And I'm glad for that 2 weeks you stayed with us before we both moved. It was the longest time I got to spend with Emily, and I am grateful for it!
Thank you for sharing this Camille! It touched my heart tonight. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately and this post put things in perspective for me. I really appreciate you always being so open with your experiences.
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