Happy 8th Birthday, Em!

Emily's 8th birthday is today. It's crazy to remember.  Two nights ago I started reading my Emily journal-I have one journal that took me through the 4 1/2 years of her life. I read through about the first year and cried and cried. And it was for a different reason than I thought it would be. I obviously miss Emily like crazy, but reading about those first days after she was born and that first year just brought back how hard it was. It was so, so hard. I can't describe it. We were certainly blessed beyond our own strength because I read through it and think, "How did we do it?"  We of course didn't have a choice, But I was so positive and full of faith. I look back and think of the things I know now, and if I would have known them then I think I would have given up. Like her seizures. They started at 4 months and never stopped, until a month before she died. I'm glad I didn't know that. And her vision. We kept thinking it would improve and we'd figure out what she was seeing and we never did. And then there's just how tired we were. And stressed. It's no wonder I was so skinny.  I remember after Emily was born hearing other people complain about their healthy babies and thinking, "you have no idea. None." And now that I've had two healthy babies I can understand more where they are coming from. It's hard work. And exhausting. I could barely function with Lance.  And they drive me  crazy at least once a day.  But I think when you're children are healthy you know there's a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. And you know other moms have gotten through it so you can to. Or you can at least get sympathy and advice. But I was the ONLY person I knew going though what I went through. I forget how lonely it was.  It's good to remember those feelings but hard at the same time.  I don't mean this to be gloomy. I am so, so grateful for my Emily and all that she taught us. I'm amazed at the different mom I am because of her. And I am grateful for my Savior. In my journal I wrote (multiple times) about being just so consumed with worry for Emily that I couldn't enjoy her.  And then I'd pray and ask Christ to help carry that burden and he would.  And because of that I was able to enjoy all those sweet moments I had with Emily.  What a miracle! I could go on and on and on but I think I'm done for now. I just know I'm a lucky mom. 

 Emily's first bath.

 Her first outfit, thanks to Janica. 

 This was after she'd come off the ventilator and we knew she was going to live. (the first two pictures are before she went on)

 I sure am a lucky woman to have him in my life. 

 This was about 2 months before she passed away. 

One of my favorite newborn pictures. 

All By Myself!

I haven't gone anywhere by myself, overnight, since Janica had Akaila and I went to help her. And the time before that was about 6 years ago when Mom, Sarah and Dad were getting ready to move to Turkey. I would rather be on vacation with my little family, or with Robby and I, then by myself, but can I just say, it was the most wonderful weekend being all by myself!  Having no one to account to, it was quite amazing.  My aunt and uncle just got home from being mission presidents in Cambodia so all my brothers and sisters were getting together, though Parker ended up not being able to come since Jess has been in early labor.  I really felt like it may be my last chance to visit with Grandma Chlarson, which was my biggest reason for coming. So I'm sorry to anyone who reads this who lives in Utah, I really didn't visit anyone other than relatives, and two friends I hadn't seen in years and years.  I know I"ll see a few of you in a few weeks, and I"m sorry for those I missed. But I didn't have a car and tried to be with Grandma as much as possible. 

 On Saturday we were up at our family's condo in Solitude, Utah. Mady, John's girl, went down the slide about 20 times. It was rather surreal to be able to sunbathe with Sarah, and not be chasing around my kids.

 We got to see our great friend Jen, who I haven't seen in probably 7 years. We've both gone through some tough times since then and it was so fun to catch up a bit. 

 My hero. I love this little lady.  She's staying at my aunt's house for awhile. 

 Robby, brave soul, took the kids to the circus by himself. Apparently Lance cried for  the first half. He saw fireworks and anyone who's been around Lance lately knows he hates fireworks. He will say, "Fireworks scare me." But after they got their snowcone they were happy. 

 My beautiful little sister. 

 The view from the condo. 

 On Monday I took a different path running and ran up to Solitude Lake. It was so amazing to be up there all by myself. Definitely a highlight of the trip. I've skiied down the area in the background (not the cliff part) and then got stuck hiking across that lake when it's covered in snow. 

 The biggest highlight for me was seeing all my family and being able to talk to them uninterrupted! I've forgotten what that was like. It was so great to have real conversations with these people I love! We have 23 cousins in this picture, we're missing 10. 

 The family, minus Parker and Dad. 

 My bestie, Becky Burden (Now Bekah Sabey), and her little boy Max. Who is younger than Lance though twice as big. We haven't seen each other in 2 years, since our boys were babies. 

While I was gone Robby also did the backsplash to our kitchen. He's turned into mr handyman. I missed my kids, but it was so nice to relax and know they were in good hands, and I hope I can do it again in less than 5 years!