Rides

My kids make me laugh. They both wanted to ride in Emily's wheelchair. And now Lily is pushing her and Lance around in the car. They crack me up.

My angel Lily

Mother's Day has become a bit of a bitter-sweet day for me. I'm sure it is for many of you, too. When Emily was here I always enjoyed it, but it was always a little sad because she couldn't really express herself like most kids-you see little two year olds giving their moms' hugs and cards and kisses, which Em couldn't do. But I was always so grateful to be her mom. And since she's passed away I've had those little sweet moments with Lily of "I love you, Mom," and hugs and kisses and cards, but I wish I could have had them both with Lily and Emily at the same time! So yesterday I was having my moment, crying while watching Music and the Spoken Word (it always makes me cry on days like Easter and Mother's Day) and Lily saw me, and I told her I was okay, I was just sad because I missed Emily. And she came over and climbed up onto my lap and put her arms around my neck and gave me the sweetest hug. Which of course made me cry more! So then she pulled back and looked at me and just gave me another hug. And just kind of held me. Just what I needed. No words, just a hug. Her compassion amazes me. It felt like she was hugging me for Emily.

And Lily has always been like that. When she was 4 months old I remember Emily having a spasm and screaming in pain. Lily started crying and as soon as I went over and picked up Emily and rocked her, Lily stopped crying. She did it again when Robby was there a few weeks later. Shortly after that Emily passed away. But it just amazed us that at such a young age, just a baby, she could be like that. She has her crazy moments, but she can just be so sweet!

"You're so strong!"

I think a lot of us have heard those words. And we think, "I'm not strong, I don't have a choice!" They're definitely not comforting words, although I know people mean well. The other one that I hear ALL THE TIME is that Heavenly Father doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Which since I've had Emily and especially since I lost her, I've felt is just not a true statement. I'm sorry, but that's what I think. And I know people who have gone through a lot more than me. And I could never figure out how to explain it to people without feeling like I was doubting God. But last week I went to Time Out for Women and heard Kris Belcher talk, who has had cancer in her eyes and had her eyes removed, and is of course blind. With 2 little kids. She said she would hear those two comments, "You're so strong," and "God wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle," all the time and just think, "That's not true." And then she said something I loved. She said that we are given things that we can't handle. Why else would we need a Savior? Isn't that why Christ went through what he did for us? And I just LOVED that thought. Because it's true. The only way I've been able to deal with everything with Emily, both while she was here, and especially during the time she was dying and after she passed away, is through the atonement, and praying and asking Heavenly Father to let me give my burdens to my Savior and let him carry it for me, because I just couldn't do it myself. And the miracle is, he has! He has made it so that I can have peace and be happy, which for me is just amazing and I am so grateful for. And it is only through him. I couldn't "handle it" by myself. I've tried. It doesn't work.

Easter

In San Antonio for Fiesta and Easter they sell Cascarones, eggs dyed and filled with confetti, and you crack them on each other's heads. Lily loves it, but Lance has cried and cried each time Robby does it to Lily or she does it to one of us.

Cracking the egg on Lily's head.

We had a fun Easter morning. The kids really liked Lance's birthday present and had fun playing with it.
You can see Lance's face a bit behind Lily's arm. He is not happy. I hid the cascarones as part of our Easter Egg hunt.

Easter outfits.

Our attempt at a family picture. Not successful.

Lance turns One!

Lance with is birthday cupcake. He liked it, but not quite like his sister Lily did! Both on her first birthday and on his!We forgot to put his hat on. He's laughing at Lily.
My sad attempt at a soccer ball cake. The one thing Lance loves is balls, so that was the theme for his party. Look at all the little ladies with him!
His $1 ball that he loved.
I also made cupcakes, they turned out much better than the cake did. My favorite were the baseball ones.