Back to school! Oh wait, never mind...

That's been my thought process this week. Back to school time has always been a bit strange for me. I know I've commented on it before, but it's been on my mind a lot this past week, as school starts for most of Texas tomorrow. Emily started school when she was one. Yes, one. She went for a few months in the spring/summer before she turned two (her birthday is in July) and then from when she was two-three she went three days a week for 3 hours a day-7:30-10:30. And the teacher wanted her there all five days! But that was too much for me (and Em, I think) Three days was a lot, especially with how far I had to drive. It's kind of crazy going to back-to-school night when your kid is two. I loved that program though. It was for kids with vision problems. They're the ones who got Emily potty trained, taught her sign language, and just really, really believed in her.

Then, when Emily turned three, it was on to PPCD (preschool for children with disabilities). So once again we had back-to-school night, etc. I was the room mom that year! And we once again were blessed with a wonderful teacher who loved Emily. They also wanted Emily to go five days a week, from 8:00-10:45, and I had her go four. She really loved it, though.

And when Emily turned four, I had just had Lily, and knew Emily wouldn't be getting all the attention she needed, so I let her go five days a week to Pre-K, from 12:00-2:45. She had the same teacher as the year before. That was the year our sweet little pal, Cael, would push her in her wheelchair every day to class and make comments like, "I love your bow, Emily!" And the year she was invited to a friend's house to play. The same friend who explained to her class that Emily just didn't like bright lights, and that's why her eyes were closed most of the time-it's NOT because she was sleeping. (which was actually mostly true)

Emily only went half the year to school that year; she got sick in December and never went back, and then passed away in January.

So, after having a kid in school for 3 years, it's very strange for me to not be getting ready for school. I love that Lily and Lance are home; I never got to have that "at home" time with Emily. But, I feel like most of my friends have kids in school, and I'm a bit behind! Which is fine, but I went backwards, and not by choice. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm ready to get into a routine-piano lessons, preschool with Lily here at home, etc. I was the busiest mom I knew with Emily. And I know I will be busy like that again, and like I said, I love the fact that I've got these two cute little kids at home. I don't miss not being crazy busy all the time. And I don't miss the overwhelming, indescribable anxiety I know I'd have about Emily going to school. And I know that Emily is perfectly happy to be where she is, and does not care at all that she's not starting 2nd grade! But my heart aches. It just does.