My Heroes

Emily and Grandma Chlarson at Parker's wedding

 The day Emily died

After Emily's funeral in Washington

These two ladies, Emily and my Grandma Chlarson, are my heroes. And I love my mamma too! But the last few days my mind has been on my Grandma and my Emily.  Grandma has always been my hero; she has been through so much in her life, including losing her husband, two sons, and two granddaughters and I always have looked up to her positive attitude and her spiritual outlook on life.  I have so many fun memories of my grandma; she is one funny lady. But the times that have been sticking out in my mind this week are the memories centered around my little Emily. Emily ended up at Primary Children's when she was 10 days old on a ventilator (life support) and the doctors did not know if she would ever be able to come off because she seemed to be having central apnea and was also needing an extremely high amount of oxygen to keep her levels sustained about 90. I remember my Grandma coming to the hospital and she had been a little afraid to see my Emily. I don't think I went in with her, I think my mom did, because I remember her coming out from meeting Emily for the first time and saying, "Camille, she is going to be just fine. I really feel it. I felt so at peace and she has such a strong spirit and I really think she's going to be okay."  And I can't tell you how I clung to those words over the next few weeks. Because I had felt the same thing, but everyone kept telling me to think differently. Her faith and strength helped sustain me. And she was right.  Emily came off the ventillator when she was 1 month old.   I will just always remember that.
   The next time I have been thinking about was when Emily was dying. She was in the ICU on life support again, but we were all feeling very differently then we did when she was a baby; it just felt like it was her time to go. I remember feeling like she said, "Mom, I'll stick around if you really me, but I'm ready to go." After spending the night with Emily in the hospital on a Monday night and feeling angels watch over me, Tuesday morning I was full of doubts and fear and grief at the idea of saying goodbye to my baby, my hero, Emily. How could I have peace at the idea of living without her?  Robby and I both had felt, after some special experiences and talking at length to doctors, that it was time to let Emily rest, but I didn't think I could do it. I remember coming home from the hospital Tuesday morning to see Lily while Robby went up to spend some alone time with Emily and calling Grandma crying. And I remember her telling me that the peace would come, and that I would be able to feel it and told me about when she had to say goodbye to her mom. I clung to her faith all that day and that evening as I prayed for that peace to come.  Robby and I went to the San Antonio Temple which was just up the street from the hospital and as I was there I felt the power of Jesus Christ's Atonement and felt absolutely at peace. It was the most amazing feeling; when we said goodbye to our Emily after getting back from the temple we knew with certainty where our Emily was going and that what we were doing for our Emily was the right thing. And that feeling sustained me through the days ahead.
     And then my Grandma came to the funeral up in Washington. I remember being it the Relief Society room, getting ready to close the casket and say goodbye to Emily for the last time here on this Earth. I again didn't think I could do it. And I'm crying as I write this thinking about it.  And I remember looking at my grandma and thinking, "She did this, twice, and has been able to be happy.  I can do this." And then I sat between her and Robby during the funeral and held her hand; I needed her strength to get me through that day.  I knew she knew just how I was feeling.  And over the weeks and months and years I was able to call Grandma when I was missing my Emily and talk to her about it and she would share her faith and experiences with me. I just love her so much and I am so grateful that she is now with my Emily.  I hope she has given her a big hug and kiss from her mamma and that they both know how proud I am of them.  What a lucky person I am to have Grandma Chlarson for my Grandma and Emily as a daughter.

Finally Family pictures

We had family pictures done at the end of September. I'm still trying to get them up on my walls. I was really happy with them, though. Lance makes me laugh. He's so much fun. He talks so well and had the best imagination. Sometimes he won't come downstairs because he's a baby dinosaur. This morning he and Robby were firefighters but Robby had lost his hat so he could borrow Lance's. His faces make me laugh. He also has the best pouting face; Robby and i have a hard time taking him seriously when he gets mad at us. 

 Grant has a personality so much like Lily it's kind of scary. He's a good baby other than he's not sleeping that great at night these days. He rolls over and will not sit still to have his diaper changed. Every once in awhile he'll cuddle, but not often.  He just got his first tooth yesterday and his second one is right behind it. He's 7 months old.

 Lily loves Kindergarten. She is always telling us made up stories that happen, interspersed with real stories so we never know when she's telling the truth. Kind of drives me nuts. We finished reading Matilda tonight-I love that she's old enough to like chapter books. I've always looked forward to reading books like that to my kids.
Robby's very busy at work but it's really nice having him 3 minutes from home. He went to the BYU-Boise game last week and enjoyed the win; last time he was there was the BYU-Utah game. in 2011. Enough said. And I'm heading out to Texas on Friday to make it even as far as trips go!

I'm hanging in there, contsantly thinking about where I'm failing as a mom and how I need to enjoy this time with my kids because it goes too fast and that I don't do enough with them and that my house is constantly a mess and I'd really like to read a book sometime and I'm not reading my scriptures like I should and I need to get ready for Christmas and the list goes on. But mostly I'm just really happy to be a mom of 4 great kids. I've really been missing my Emily the last few weeks; sometimes it's hard living where people don't know her. I've made good friends here but no one who I've really shared Emily with yet.  Really shared her I guess. Which I think will just come with time because there are great people here.

Where to start...

I am so behind blogging I have no idea where to start. I don't know if I go back and try to catch up or just start from here. And I have so many random thoughts I think about writing down I think I may start a blog called Diarrhea of the brain because I swear I just think dumb stuff all the time but I kind of want to write it down and I don't ever want to share on facebook for fear of people thinking I'm crazy or offending someone. Like, I vaccinate my children because I feel like I'm being a responsible, educated parent for doing so, but then I know that other parents who don't vaccinate do so for the exact same reason. So, who's right?  I do splint Grant's vaccines up and some I will wait on but I just think it's so interesting that we can all be so opinionated and swear that we are right and that we have the research to back it up. But our opinions can be totally opposite. See, Diarrhea of the brain. Total rambling. I don't think a family blog is the place for it. So, I will post on here if I ever get around to starting that other blog.