I feel like in my 9 years of being married, I have lived two completely different lives. And I have. For 4 1/2 years we had Emily, and I was the Mom of a Child with Special Needs. And this really defined who I was. And who I am still, I think. Everything that I did or thought revolved around Emily and what she needed. My life was full of therapy, doctors appointments, school, etc. Even during play time it was she and I doing therapy. But we sang lots of songs and read lots of books and went lots of places, which I am so grateful for. Lily was only 5 months old when Emily passed away, so I hadn't even really had a chance to get used to life with 2! Lily wasn't rolling around much yet or anything, and so life was mostly still taking care of Emily, with playing and feeding Lily when we could! Lily was such an easy going baby. It still hurts when I think that Em and Lily only had 5 months together. But, Lily knows her little sister now. She talks about Emily going to school in her wheelchair, and how she loved to roll, and how she loved to eat bananas and how she had owies on her stomach (heart surgery).
And now I have my life with Lily and Lance. While it's busy, it's your typical life with two toddler/babies. My schedule is pretty much my own-if I don't make it to the grocery store, I can go later or Robby can go. If I don't want to go to story time, or to the zoo, I don't have to go. It's just amazing to me how "normal" my life is now. And I'm very happy. I love being able to just play with my kids, and my worries are the typical ones now-hold my hand when you cross the street, don't talk to strangers, etc. But it's hard, because inside I'm still that mom of a child with special needs, who a lot of people don't know and never met because they never met Emily. And it's hard because the reason why my life is "normal" is because Emily isn't here. And while I know she's happy and busy, it doesn't make me miss her any less.
Emily has definitely made me appreciate all that Lily and Lance can do. Sometimes it's like a mantra, "I'm grateful Lily's so busy. I'm grateful she can make messes. I'm grateful she talks so much! I'm grateful that Lance can breastfeed and doesn't want to stop and wakes up in the middle of the night to eat." (that might be pushing it.) But really I am grateful. I'm grateful for all the little moments in my life, with all my kids.
Robby's mom and Aunt Diana came last weekend. We had fun going up to Fredricksburg to pick strawberries. I will say, the Fredricksburg peaches are much better than the strawberries.
We went to Rudy's BBQ on the way home, and Lance was having fun playing with Grammy and doing his cheesy smile for the camera.
This is the side of the Alamo. Diana's big reason for coming was that she always wanted to see the Alamo, and we tried to go the first day and it was closed! It closes at 5:30. So we went back before she left on Monday. Robby was able to walk from work to see us.
We tried to get a good picture on Emily's bench before Peggy flew out. This was the best one we got. Not too much of a success.
9 comments:
That was very insightful Camille. Thanks for sharing. You are such a good mommy. Thanks for the reminder to be grateful for what I have.
Very beautifully written Camille. If it's okay, I'm going to send this to my friend who just had her son with special needs pass away. You explained it all so well.
Wonderful post, as always, Cami.
I was watching the thing they had on BYU-TV between conference sessions today and some of the parts with the special needs kids just really hit hard with me-how different of a life that would be than what I have, and how many times I've thought "if I had three/four/five this situation would have been so much harder" but how I would give up the "normal" life I have now any day for whatever trials any one of my babies would have brought.
On the strawberries-of course the peaches are better! You grew up with the best strawberries on earth and I doubt you'll ever beat them!
How beautifully written. I really wish I could convey my thoughts as well as you just did. And I agree that this post could be very helpful to others going through the same thing.
Camille you are an amazing mother, both spiritually (to Emily) and physically. Your love for Emily is so strong and powerful that I have no doubt that Lily and Lance will know her for real. Keep the memories alive, it's what my mom did. And my little brother was born 3 years after my sister passed away, but talks about her as if he truly remembers her. Which also speaks for the power of the veil and the gospel.
i love your thoughts here...thank you for sharing :)
Thanks for sharing Camille. I've been wondering about this exact thing. Just so you know, I will always think of you as my wise friend who is a Mom of a special needs child.
It's interesting how it is such an identity and a badge of honor. Sometimes when I go somewhere without Cicily I feel like people treat me differently and don't know who I really am.
I agree with the previous comments. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful, Camille, and thank you for sharing your feelings. You are a special woman! I've always known that!
I love your posts Camille. I miss our longs talk with each other, although I'm glad we get them over the phone. You are a great friend to me and a great listener. I'll do the same for you in return. Emily will always be watching over you guys and your family.
Beautiful post. You have been blessed to have 2 different lives (one in the same)!!
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