Deja Vu

For the past several weeks I've been having some strong cases of Deja vu, and it all seemed to come to a head this weekend. Specifically, I've been reminded a lot lately of Emily, and of those several months before she died. I think it's for several reasons. The first is, right now Lance is the same size and the same age that Lily was when Emily got sick, the month or so before she passed away. He's is 4 months old, which was the age Lily was when Em got sick in December and then when we went home for Christmas. So Lance is doing the same things that I remember Lily doing when Emily was still here.

And Lily now is about the same size as Em was before she passed away. She's wearing the clothes Em did. So I just think of her a lot. Like the other day I took Lance and Lily running in the double jogging stroller. Lily would try to hold Lance's hand, and he would hold onto her just like Lily used to with Em. Emily would move her hands and smack Lily, and Lily would try to grab Em's hands or lick her arm. They had their own interactions, and Lily had just started to really get to know Emily, just like Lance is now really figuring out who Lily is.

Another reason for the deja vu, is Lance is very similar in development right now to Emily. He likes to roll around and play on the ground and bat at toys, just like she used to. Last night he was on the floor making very cute noises, and Robby was on the computer. Robby couldn't take it and came over and laid on the ground and played with him, just like he used to with Emily. Every night with Em he'd get down on the floor and roll around with her and growl and whistle and make her laugh.

Flying home to Washington by myself last week made me remember all the times I flew home by myself with Emily. She was always so good on the flights, and I could feed her and play and then read my book. At home I could put Lance on the floor next to my dad in the bedroom, or carry him around outside, just like I used to with Em. When I went home with just Lily, after Emily had passed away, she was older and was crawling around and stuff. But Lance is happy to be on the floor near people, and it just reminds me of Emily.

This time of year confuses me, too. In Texas the spring, summer, and fall all tend to blend together, and I have a hard time remembering what month it is. Is it August or May? October or April? Seriously. Every other place I've lived you can tell the seasons because in the fall the leaves are changing colors, winter it's cold and bare, spring there's new stuff growing, and summer is warmer and the grass is still green. Texas, it all looks the same to me. I even bought tomatoes again yesterday for a second growing season. Which I should go water. Right now.

Lily is cute with Lance, and plays with him and will try to entertain him. I try not to think about it, but it makes me so sad that Emily's not here for Lily to help and talk to and play with. I can just see her giving toys to Emily, pushing her around in the wheelchair, talking to her, giving her hugs, etc. I get teary when I see children with their brothers or sisters who have disabilities-I just think they're so lucky! Everyone always told us a brother or sister would help Emily, and the timing just didn't work out the way we had planned, which tends to be the case with lots of things. I know that Lily came when she did for a reason, and that Emily passed away when she did for a reason, but it doesn't not make it hard!

Emily would have been starting first grade this week, which is another reason for my deja vu. I know that Emily doesn't care about not starting first grade-she's much happier where she is! But I remember the 3 years we had school shopping and then going to school, and it's now just weird that I'm at home with a baby and toddler. I've gone backward. I never really had this time with Emily, because from the beginning we had therapists, doctors, etc. So to just be home with my kids is very different. I enjoy it, but I sure feel like I waste a lot of time, because I'm not on the schedule that I used to be on.

I feel very blessed to be the mom of 3 beautiful children. Last night laying in bed I could just see Emily rolling around on the ground kicking her legs and squealing and so happy, and I love the memories, but it sure hurts!