Emily

This was right before Emily's 4th birthday. Lily also enjoys being in the pool with her dad.

I found this quote on a friend's blog and have wanted to share it, but haven't really found the right words to go with it. But I thought I'd share it anyway,

"God doesn't give children with disabilities to strong people: He gives them to ordinary, everyday people then He helps the parents to grow stronger through the journey. Raising a child with special needs doesn't TAKE a special family, it MAKES a special family. "

Now here are some rambling thoughts...

I've NEVER been comfortable with the idea that Robby and I are "special" and that's why Emily came to us. Robby and I are blessed, and we're lucky that she came to us, but I don't think that I am a better person or mom then my twin sister, who has 3 healthy children. Or then most people. Do I believe that Emily came to our house for a reason? Absolutly! She needed us and we needed her. But I really don't like the idea that we are better or more chosen then other people. I hope that makes sense.

Another comment I get all the time is how strong I am, or that people "can't imagine" or could "never go through what I've been through." I always think those comments are kind of funny, because it's not as though I've had a choice! I understand what people mean, though, and I appreciate the sentiment. I think to me, when hard things happen you can't really sit on the fence. You have to either have faith and ask for help and believe the Lord will help you, or you have despair. I don't like the feeling of despair, and so I try to have faith. Sometimes it's easier then others.

This month Emily would have been celebrating her 6th birthday. I still feel like I'm two diffferent people,-I have had a child, Emily, in school and primary and all of that, but to most people I am a young mom with a 2 year old and a baby! It's hard for me to talk about Emily to people who haven't met her, because I don't feel like I'm doing her justice by describing her. I think people feel sorry for me when they find out I had a child with pretty severe disabilities, who passed away. And we don't feel sorry for us! I like the way a friend put it, she said that she feels sad for us, but not sorry for us. I feel sad for me, too, especially when I'm really missing Emily. But NEVER sorry that she came to us.

People ask what it's like having a baby and a toddler compared to having Emily and Lily. Life is challenging now, but it's not stressful. With Em and Lily it was like having 2 babies and a school-aged kid at once. I had to feed, change, dress both of them, but Emily was also in school, therapy, etc. I didn't know anyone else with a situation similar to mine. With Lance and Lily my schedule is my own-if I need groceries but Lance and Lily are napping, or really grumpy, I can send Robby. Or go later. With Emily and Lily there were places I HAD to be-school, therapy, doctors appointments, etc. It's a lot of conflicting emotions. Because while my life is less stressful now, having a stressful life meant that Emily was here in it, and of course I'd rather have Emily here! I'm glad I have a husband who understands and who I can talk to about it. I feel like I get less done now then I did when Emily was here, because I don't have to be on a schedule like I did with Emily. It's very hard to explain. The bottom line is I just miss Emily, but I know that Emily is happy where she is, and so I'm grateful for that. And I'm grateful for Lance and Lily, who make me laugh and keep me happy.