Why birthdays are a big deal

Grant turned one on March 23. It made me sad approaching this day, since he is most likely my last baby and turning one seems to mark the end of the "baby" phase, they turn toddlers so quickly after they turn one. But, I also remember that when Emily turned one it made me a little (a lot) sad because she was still so much of a baby-she wasn't even rolling over when she turned one, and I saw all these other babies learning to stand and walk and didn't know if I would ever have the chance in this life to experience a child doing those things. And now I've had three chances, with lily, lance, and Grant! I'm so lucky!

Which brings me to why birthdays are a big deal. There was a post going around about "I'm done making my children's childhood magical" and while I understand some points of it-you should do things for you, not because there is an expectation that things be perfect-I like making a bigger deal about birthdays. Because I had a child who never made it to her next birthday, each birthday my kids make it to is a big deal to me. I have major emotional attachment to the fact that they made it to another birthday. Maybe it's not normal but it's part of losing a child for me, I think.  

That being said, I only do what I am comfortable with. For Grant's birthday I had the inspired (seriously, it was inspired-lily needed to feel needed) idea to let lily plan his party. I showed her how to make a board on Pinterest for Grant and how to look at ideas and pin them, and we then went back through her ideas and she decided on the theme, seseme street.  Once she decided on that we found more pins on seseme street, and then I helped her pick the ideas that I could execute without losing my mind. 

We all had so much fun making this #1 poster of Grant's first year. 

Lily decorated his high chair. 

She also drew seseme street characters on the paper plates and hung them from the light .

She also drew this Elmo to play pin the nose on Elmo. 

Grant are tons of frosting and made a good mess. 

And Janica's family came which was a lot of fun. I love my little one year old!7

Emily's Experience on Earth

Robby wrote this in the days after Emily's death.  He surprised me at the funeral by reading it during his tribute to her.  We read it every year on January 20, her Angel Day.  I can't get it to not underline. Sorry!

Emily’s Experience on Earth

Before I was born and I still lived in Heaven,
Heavenly Father explained how life would be.
He said that it would be full of challenges and trials,
But that I would have a family who loves me.

I would have friends and loved ones who would do all that they could,
To make sure I was joyful and happy.
And when I asked him what my purpose on earth would be,
He smiled, with a tear in his eye, and simply said “You’ll see.”

My life on earth had a difficult start,
I could no longer see nor hear.
But it didn’t take long to understand,
That my parents loved me so dear.

They stayed at the hospital for the first seven weeks,
And had faith that I could breathe on my own.
And eventually the wonderful day came,
They were able to take me home.

I made so many friends along the way,
I was able to learn so many things.
And although I had my share of pain and struggles,
I felt the joy and the love that the Gospel brings.

I have a Mother, who sacrificed everything she could,
Who did her best to keep me healthy and strong.
I have a Father, who provided me safety and peace,
Who’s whistling and roaring helped me as my life moved along.

I have a Sister, who loves and cares for me,
Even though she liked to pull my hair.
Who when the time came for me to die in their arms,
Gave my parents peace with her happy stare.

I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins,
Who always treated me as one of their own.
I have classmates, friends, and fellow 18th Chromosome family,
Who reminded me that I’m never alone.

Through all of my challenges and obstacles overcome,
I began to realize my mission.
There would be so many people whose lives I could touch,
Even without hearing and vision.

And now I can tell them at the end of my earthly life,
That God has a plan for everyone.
That because of the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ,
We can return to him in glory and perfection.

Now I can run, and see, and hear,
I can talk, and help, and serve.
I can help others know that the Gospel of Christ,
Will lead them to the happiness they deserve.

As a final request to all who know me,
As we part, at least for a while:
That when they think of Emily Hammond,
They share with me a laugh and a smile.

Emily Likes

Because Emily had multiple disabilities, most of which were quite severe, many times people think of her as a child who couldn't do anything, or who was sick all the time. Sometimes I feel when describing her to people that it sounds like we knew she was going to die very young. Which we didn't. I honestly thought she would be with us much longer than she was, at least until she was 8, hopefully longer. It frustrates me when people say, "You're lucky to have had her as long as you did." I actually have gotten so I kind of want to smack them.  Though I know they have good intentions, and so I don't!    I can say that I'm lucky, and Robby can say that, but nobody else can say that.  If she would have lived a day or until she was 20 it wouldn't have been long enough. I believe in Heavenly Father's plan and that she died when she did for a reason, and so I don't choose to dwell on it, but please don't tell me how lucky I am.  By telling me I am lucky to have had her as long as I did makes me feel like  I shouldn't be so sad because I'm "lucky." I am lucky to be Emily's mom. Tell me that, and I will agree with you!

So I wanted people to know a little bit more about what Emily liked, and didn't like. She LOVED deep voices. Her uncle Kacey has a very deep voice and she was always very happy listening to him talk. 

There was a young man in our ward who would bless the sacrament with a very deep voice. Emily always got super excited and alert when she would hear him. it was great! The band on her head is her hearing aid. She had moderate hearing loss without it and heard pretty good with it. 

Emily loved sugar. She loved candy canes and would suck on them and even hold them. I loved it when she got sticky, just like any other kid does eating a candy cane. 

Emily's most favorite activity of all time was rolling on the ground. She would roll back and forth, back and forth, and when she was 18 months she learned how to roll over. We loved watching her roll across the room. When she was 3, like in this picture, she was also getting up on her knees and rocking back and forth. But she couldn't see very well and so she never really learned to keep her head up. These are her cousins. 

Robby would always roar and whistle in her ear to let her know that Daddy was home, since she couldn't really see. Hearing was her best Sense. She would always get super excited and do this super cute deep laugh, and sometimes roar back. 

Emily loved bananas. She would eat bananas and peanut butter all the time. She also loved scrambled eggs and ketchup, and once she was on a high fat-low carb diet to help with her seizures it became scrambled eggs and salsa.  She was really good with her signing when it came to eating and could sign Eat, More, Finished, and Milk.  She also signed Mom, Dad, hearing aid. She learned to say Da for Dad and Ma for mom, and did say Mom a few times. 

Emily loved to have her thumb in her mouth, even when she was eating.  It seemed to help her to chew her food. And it also was nice when she was doing that instead of grinding her teeth. Which she also loved to do. 

Emily loved sweets. This picture was taken after my brother John's wedding reception, where she at 3 cupcakes.  We were outside and I fed her one and she kept asking for more. I was so excited she was acting like a 3 year old, eating as many cupcakes as she could! She was very hyper afterward (like in this picture). She also loved snickerdoodle cookies, and would help me make them. I would have her help me make cookies by touching and smelling the ingredients. Molassas cookies are great for that. 

She would get very messy eating. She was about 20 months in this picture. 

 She and I made pudding. 

 And ate the pudding. 

 I can't tell you how happy this made me-her rolling to get stuck under the bed. 

I will add more to this list-she loved her Chromosome 18 family, her grandparents, and her primary class, her sister Lily. And hopefully find more pictures. I sure miss her!

Emily as a baby

 This was one of the first pictures of Emily, the day after she was born, July 22, 2004 (my 23rd birthday day)

 July 22, 2004-First family picture

First bath

This was when Emily was 17 months-her second Christmas. I loved this dress and so did Emily.

Emily also loved Candy canes and ate lots that Christmas.

She was very hyper and talking in this picture, this was on my niece's 10th birthday, December 26, 2005.

Resolutions

So I have a few resolutions I figured I better write down so that they are real.
1. Practice the piano 10 minutes a day. Pitiful, I know. But there are times I go a week without playing other than teaching piano lessons, and I love to play and would really like to get better. And I know I can do 10 minutes.
2. Plan menus each week. just to have a list so I'm not scrambling on what to make for dinner that night.  I don't plan per day, just having about 10 menus on hand to choose from is good enough.
3. Read my scriptures before I read a book. This is a hard one for me but I'm trying to get better at it.
4. Teach Lance some kind of preschool. He's just not that excited by it so it's hard to want to do it but I need to do better, especially if I end up homeschooling him for Kindergarten, which if Oregon goes to full-day kinder I am planning on doing.

My Heroes

Emily and Grandma Chlarson at Parker's wedding

 The day Emily died

After Emily's funeral in Washington

These two ladies, Emily and my Grandma Chlarson, are my heroes. And I love my mamma too! But the last few days my mind has been on my Grandma and my Emily.  Grandma has always been my hero; she has been through so much in her life, including losing her husband, two sons, and two granddaughters and I always have looked up to her positive attitude and her spiritual outlook on life.  I have so many fun memories of my grandma; she is one funny lady. But the times that have been sticking out in my mind this week are the memories centered around my little Emily. Emily ended up at Primary Children's when she was 10 days old on a ventilator (life support) and the doctors did not know if she would ever be able to come off because she seemed to be having central apnea and was also needing an extremely high amount of oxygen to keep her levels sustained about 90. I remember my Grandma coming to the hospital and she had been a little afraid to see my Emily. I don't think I went in with her, I think my mom did, because I remember her coming out from meeting Emily for the first time and saying, "Camille, she is going to be just fine. I really feel it. I felt so at peace and she has such a strong spirit and I really think she's going to be okay."  And I can't tell you how I clung to those words over the next few weeks. Because I had felt the same thing, but everyone kept telling me to think differently. Her faith and strength helped sustain me. And she was right.  Emily came off the ventillator when she was 1 month old.   I will just always remember that.
   The next time I have been thinking about was when Emily was dying. She was in the ICU on life support again, but we were all feeling very differently then we did when she was a baby; it just felt like it was her time to go. I remember feeling like she said, "Mom, I'll stick around if you really me, but I'm ready to go." After spending the night with Emily in the hospital on a Monday night and feeling angels watch over me, Tuesday morning I was full of doubts and fear and grief at the idea of saying goodbye to my baby, my hero, Emily. How could I have peace at the idea of living without her?  Robby and I both had felt, after some special experiences and talking at length to doctors, that it was time to let Emily rest, but I didn't think I could do it. I remember coming home from the hospital Tuesday morning to see Lily while Robby went up to spend some alone time with Emily and calling Grandma crying. And I remember her telling me that the peace would come, and that I would be able to feel it and told me about when she had to say goodbye to her mom. I clung to her faith all that day and that evening as I prayed for that peace to come.  Robby and I went to the San Antonio Temple which was just up the street from the hospital and as I was there I felt the power of Jesus Christ's Atonement and felt absolutely at peace. It was the most amazing feeling; when we said goodbye to our Emily after getting back from the temple we knew with certainty where our Emily was going and that what we were doing for our Emily was the right thing. And that feeling sustained me through the days ahead.
     And then my Grandma came to the funeral up in Washington. I remember being it the Relief Society room, getting ready to close the casket and say goodbye to Emily for the last time here on this Earth. I again didn't think I could do it. And I'm crying as I write this thinking about it.  And I remember looking at my grandma and thinking, "She did this, twice, and has been able to be happy.  I can do this." And then I sat between her and Robby during the funeral and held her hand; I needed her strength to get me through that day.  I knew she knew just how I was feeling.  And over the weeks and months and years I was able to call Grandma when I was missing my Emily and talk to her about it and she would share her faith and experiences with me. I just love her so much and I am so grateful that she is now with my Emily.  I hope she has given her a big hug and kiss from her mamma and that they both know how proud I am of them.  What a lucky person I am to have Grandma Chlarson for my Grandma and Emily as a daughter.

Finally Family pictures

We had family pictures done at the end of September. I'm still trying to get them up on my walls. I was really happy with them, though. Lance makes me laugh. He's so much fun. He talks so well and had the best imagination. Sometimes he won't come downstairs because he's a baby dinosaur. This morning he and Robby were firefighters but Robby had lost his hat so he could borrow Lance's. His faces make me laugh. He also has the best pouting face; Robby and i have a hard time taking him seriously when he gets mad at us. 

 Grant has a personality so much like Lily it's kind of scary. He's a good baby other than he's not sleeping that great at night these days. He rolls over and will not sit still to have his diaper changed. Every once in awhile he'll cuddle, but not often.  He just got his first tooth yesterday and his second one is right behind it. He's 7 months old.

 Lily loves Kindergarten. She is always telling us made up stories that happen, interspersed with real stories so we never know when she's telling the truth. Kind of drives me nuts. We finished reading Matilda tonight-I love that she's old enough to like chapter books. I've always looked forward to reading books like that to my kids.
Robby's very busy at work but it's really nice having him 3 minutes from home. He went to the BYU-Boise game last week and enjoyed the win; last time he was there was the BYU-Utah game. in 2011. Enough said. And I'm heading out to Texas on Friday to make it even as far as trips go!

I'm hanging in there, contsantly thinking about where I'm failing as a mom and how I need to enjoy this time with my kids because it goes too fast and that I don't do enough with them and that my house is constantly a mess and I'd really like to read a book sometime and I'm not reading my scriptures like I should and I need to get ready for Christmas and the list goes on. But mostly I'm just really happy to be a mom of 4 great kids. I've really been missing my Emily the last few weeks; sometimes it's hard living where people don't know her. I've made good friends here but no one who I've really shared Emily with yet.  Really shared her I guess. Which I think will just come with time because there are great people here.