Grief

Ever since August I have been processing a lot of things I didn't realize about myself and really struggling with different things. Things I thought I had "dealt with" years ago have come to the surface the last few months.  I have wanted to write about the different things I've been thinking and feeling but haven't quite known where to begin, but I keep thinking that maybe there are other people out there who have dealt with similar struggles, or who will deal with them, or who have friends or family members who are dealing with loss and maybe don't quite know how to reach out to them, or don't realize that maybe they SHOULD reach out to them.  So, here goes. I'm going to really try to write a bit every week or so, just to help me process my thoughts a little bit. I don't want to write things and sound judgmental, and I know that a blog is a public forum that anyone can read and then judge, but I hope that if you read this you will temper your judgment of me and try to understand the thoughts and reasoning behind what I write. If that even makes any sense!

The longest week

This week was the longest I've ever been without Robby, alone at home with the kids. We've gone longer before apart but it's when I've been with my mom or something. And I realize that a week really isn't a long time, many women do it all the time, like my mom who did it every other week while we were little.   but I figured I'd document it for future reference! 

Robby left Sunday morning and I took the kids to church; it was Grant's first day of nursery! Bedtimes were a mess the first few days. 

I really hate doing bed time by myself. And then coming downstairs to a dirty kitchen that I still have to clean. I'm really glad Robby helps with the dishes! And bedtime!

On Monday we went to Costco; these boys love each other and were so good the whole week.  Lance was so good and patient.  

I felt like I should get major points for doing family night on Monday without Robby. We made a warm fuzzy jar and I told them if they filled it up by the end of the week that we would go on a train ride on Saturday. Grant had his own jar because he's really great at giving hugs and the kids wanted to put a warm fuzzy in every time he gave a hug.  The warm fuzzy jar really did help them try to be good; bedtime went better once we started it.   Lily was my one who really had a rough time with the week in general, and who I was doing it for; she really knows how to push my buttons!

Tuesday was probably the worst day; it was raining, lily and lance both had soccer and the week was stretching ahead very long! And then at lance's game most of his team didn't show up, and so the other team decided to play all 7 of their players against our team's three. I was annoyed and said something to the other coach and he basically said tough luck. I think we will figure something else out for next year, or Robby or I will coach. Robby is coaching Lily's team this year and having fun. 

Wednesday morning Lily and I hit rock bottom. we were on our way to school and she got mad about not sitting in the stroller and punched me. She doesn't hit other people but does occasionally hit me and I have no patience for it. I wanted to yell or tell her she wasn't going to go to the pizza place in the afternoon but I knew that would ruin her whole day and I have determined to not let her go to school if we are mad at each other. I made that decision when she started kindergarten. So instead I let myself cry, and let her see it and how bad it made me feel that she was so mean. She apologized and felt really sad; she gave me about 5 hugs going into school and kept saying I love you. When she hugs me I try not to be the first to let go.  After school she gave me a huge hug and later told me she cried a little bit at circle time. But she was much, much better behaved from then on, and has managed to control her temper and not hit. Some people may have handled it differently but I was glad I didn't lose it in anger and that she seemed to have remorse. 

I let lance stay and play at preschool on Wednesday until 1:00 and Grant took a nap so I was able to have some nice "me" time. I was really upset when I got home from taking her to school so I was glad I had a bit of time to myself!

On Thursday we surprised lily at school for lunch. She is my kid who just needs lots and lots of attention so I think it was good for her. And of course the boys love it .

On Thursday afternoon my friend took the older kids so Grant and I had fun making cookies together. 

And then I went to back to school night while my friend watched the kids. I really need to help lily with her handwriting! I lover her pictures though! 

On Thursday night I found some old pictures of Emily; it was really good for me to reflect on where I've been and how blessed I am; when this picture was taken we had been trying to get pregnant for a year after a miscarriage and I really didn't know if we'd ever be able to have more kids. I look at my three sweet kids now and it amazes me. I would have never thought! I also reflected on the time Emily and I had; I was thinking about her hip surgery and being in that terrible spica cast. We had her have that surgery because we thought it would eventually help her walk (in a walker with lots of support) and do things like that, and then she passed away 6 months later. I've wondered why we felt good about doing that surgery that was so invasive for Emily if she was going to die so soon afterward. And this week I had the thought that maybe that surgery wasn't for Emily so much as it was for Robby and I and also our family and those around Emily.  For me to learn what I'm capable of-I was 7-8 months pregnant with Lily at the time and it was tough! And for people to have the chance to give service to us and to Emily.  My mom came from Turkey to be there to help me; I don't think she would have been able to have had that time with Emily and then come again when I had Lily if it wasn't for something as major as that surgery. So I now feel better about having had Emily had that surgery.  Though I still don't understand all the reasons! 

On Friday night we went to panera bread for dinner and then mcdonalds ice cream while we got gas. I hate not being able to pump my own gas sometimes, but it was really nice to just sit there and eat my ice cream cone while the Costco guy filled up the van and told the kids they had a very nice mommy for getting them ice cream! 

And then Saturday lily had her soccer game and then we saw daddy!

When I saw Robby my first thought was that we were now back together and then I felt like I was hit by a truck, thinking of my Emily and how we aren't all together.  It wasn't even a thought so much as it was this wave of emotion. It really struck me off guard. I had been so prepared to just be happy to see Robby, I really didn't expect it to be so bitter-sweet.  I became so emotional; I later lost it. I just miss my Emily. 

And today lily and I had a tea party-lily had earned her Elsa dress that I had gotten months ago by being good for at least the second part of the week! We made it through and I once again thought of all the single moms I know. I sure hope that I can support them and not judge.  It wasn't easy, and I at least could count on Robby to talk to us and the kids at night and tell me I was doing a good job, etc. I really hope I can support those moms who don't have that in their life, for whatever reason. 

Lance

Lance had his first day of preschool this week and his first soccer game. The sad picture is from practice. He got mad at me tonight for Having a bite if his blizzard.

Answered prayers

Robby was at the BYU-Texas Football game this weekend and was scheduled to fly out of San Antonio tonight, flying through Phoenix and getting in to portland around 11. He got a text during church saying his flight was four hours late leaving San Antonio, which of course would mean he would miss his connection.  They then changed it to about an hour but he only had a 45 minute layover. He went to the airport to figure things out to see if he would need to stay in San Antonio tonight. He sent me a text saying it wasn't looking good. I thought about asking the kids if they wanted to say a prayer to help daddy and almost didn't but then decided to, and if he didn't make the flight that it would be ok, they'd learn that sometimes the answer is no. I had already told the kids he might not make it home until tomorrow. I told them we could say a prayer that if it was possible he could make it tonight, but made it clear that it might not happen. Lily said the prayer and it was the sweetest prayer-she prayed that if Daddy had to travel all through the night that he would be safe and that if he had to come home tomorrow that he would be safe but that if he could, could he please come home tonight (and be safe!). I texted Robby and told him she had said a prayer for him.  I got a call from Robby about a half hour later and he told me that while he was talking with the southwest guys and they were telling him he'd have to stay in San Antonio, that they got word from Phoenix saying that they would hold the flight for them (good old southwest will do that sometimes). Other people had already changed their flights but Robby hadn't yet. He told me to tell Lily thanks for her prayer. He had to run to a different terminal once he got to Phoenix but he made it!  I told lily when I put her to bed that he'd made the connection and that I really thought that it was because of her prayer.  She said another sweet prayer after that saying thank you that he was coming home tonight. 

     It made me think how grateful I am that Heavenly Father will let children have these simple experiences of having their prayers answered. I hope that it will help her know that he does hear her prayers, even if she doesn't always get the answer she wants. When Emily passed away one of the things that really helped me was to remember all the times prayers were answered over the course of her 4 1/2 years on her behalf and she was strengthened or healed.  It helped me know that Heavenly Father did hear my prayers, the answer was just different this time.   So tonight I'm grateful for the reminder from my little girl that prayers are heard and answered. 

Emily's Tree and Emily's Birthday

This year we did things a little bit differently for Emily's birthday, since we were in Utah for Sarah's wedding. Normally we watch vidoes (which we did the day before this year) and release balloons and get a new book. I still got a book but since we were going to be up in the mountains up Big Cottonwood Canyon at Solitude my mom had the idea to plant a tree for Emily instead. It was the day our family reunion was starting and we were going up to a campground to have a cookout, so my dad met everyone in the condo where they live (until they figure out what they are doing with the house, etc) and gave a sweet speech to the kids about planting a tree for Emily, which made me get all teary. It was her 10th birthday. And then we all hiked up until we found a spot to plant it.

All the kids took turns digging the hole for the tree. It's a beautiful Blue Spruce.

 We hiked up to it a few days later to water it.  Hopefully it stays for a long time. I'm excited to go back and see it and I really felt like Emily was happy to have the whole family together and to have that done on her behalf.

Prayers

Tonight at bedtime I told lance to say his prayers. He said "I lost it" and then reached under his pillow and said "I found it" and pretended to put it back inside his head and said "Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Please help us sleep good. Please help us eat good. Thank you that Emily will come alive again someday. In the name of Jesus Christ amen." And then he said "aren't you glad that Emily will come Alive again someday mom?" "I am too but we all die right? But not for a long time. Will bad guys kill us?" I told him I hope not! And then he started talking about other stuff. He is just so funny. 

I think I might be crazy

I've decided to run a marathon in September. September 13 in mount Angel, OR, the Oregon marathon.  And I'm not quite sure why. One day I felt really good and had the time about a month ago so I decided to run 11 miles. I'd ran 8 the week before and wanted to run a little more and figured why not? 

   I've ran one marathon and that was five years ago , 4 months after Emily died. It was for such a huge reason and I felt such a connection and such meaning running it that I've been afraid to try to run another one. I trained with my  best friend In Texas, and those training runs helped me through those four months. They gave me a reason to get up in the morning. And I ran the race with Janica, which was amazing. I had always promised Emily I would run one, when she was coming of the ventilator the respiratory therapist compared the settings they had her on to test her like running a marathon. I had promised her then if she could do it that I would run one someday.  

I think one of the reasons I want to do it now is to just beat that fear I have of doing another one! And to have to do it alone; running that long gives you a lot of time to doubt yourself if you let it!

I ran 17 miles on Thursday, having worked my way up from 11 to 13 to 15. 17 felt like a big deal; I was so nervous I kept waking up on Wednesday night. But I had decided that I would use part of my run to remember Emily and the events of when she was born. I spent the first 11 miles listening to the Well of Assention and then decided to turn on my music and think about Emily. I was amazed at how my emotions came flooding back, I think maybe because I was running and away from distractions I could really focus. It was really good for me to have that chance. And I ran it at a 8.35 mile pace; my last few miles were each at an 8 minute mile. So that was a nice bonus. I was pushing myself but it was nice to know I could. 

 And then the next day I swam for 45 minutes, which I was also proud of myself for-the first ten minutes I thought I was going to die! I haven't swam in 2 years and I've never been any good. It wasn't until I decided to stop focusing so much on my breathing and try to think of other things that I was able to relax and get a good rhythm going. 

 

  Originally I thought I would try to qualify for the Boston but then I realized that they have lowered their qualification time to 3 hours 35 minutes, which is an 8 min 12 sec mile pace.  I don't want to run the whole thing and then be disappointed because I didn't qualify. So my goal is under 4 hours and anything past that is bonus.  We shall see how it goes!